Padres’ Sermon from Petco Park

(with apologies to Yeshua of Nazareth)
Blessed are Padres fans for they are poor in spirit and theirs shall be the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are the hardcore for they mourn 162 days of the year and they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the rookies and the meek arriving shortly in San Diego for they shall inherit the Major Leagues.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a Padre championship for they shall be filled.
Blessed are those that take mercy on the opposition for they shall be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see multiple MVPs, Cy Youngs and Rookies of the Year.
Blessed are the umpires who shall keep the peace in the Padres’ favor and be known as the sons of the Great Padre in the Sky.
Blessed are those who are persecuted in the name of the Padres for theirs is the Queendom of Heaven.

Ye are the salt of Petco. But if Petco loses its draft beer how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled by men. The Padres are the light of the world. A team on a hill cannot be hidden and its light shines before all God’s children that they may see good deeds and praise the Padre in the Sky.

The brown and gold has not come to abolish the Law and the Prophets, but rather to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until the National League and the American League disappear, not the smallest sabermetric nor the least instant replay will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the Hall of Fame, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great. For I tell you that unless your fanaticism surpasses that of the national pundits and the cynical local scribes, you will certainly not enter into the Kingdom of Heavenly Baseball. You have heard it said by scouts far and wide, “Thou shall not steal on Austin Hedges” and anyone who tries will be thrown out. But I tell you that anyone who even thinks of stealing on Austin Hedges will be subject to an immediate slump and a long benching.

You have heard it said “Do not commit adultery with another team”. But I tell you that anyone who yearns for another team besides the Padres has committed adultery in his heart. If your right eye cannot see the slider on the outside corner, gouge it out and do not swing and wait for a better pitch. It is better to listen to Alan Zinter than for your whole career to be cast aside. And if your right hand cannot get over the top and causes you to sin, cut it off and hit the other way.

It is better for you to lose a little power than to lose your whole swing and go to hell. You have heard it said “An eye for an eye, and retaliation for retaliation”. But I tell you do not resist an evil person, even if it is Madison Bamgardner. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, take your base and come around to score, and then offer your left cheek too. And if a fan wants your autograph offer her two, one for her sister also. Give your all for the one who asks you and if a teammate wants to borrow a pitch, teach it to him and make him a disciple too. Blessed is the international market of 2016. For many years the market remained barren but by the grace of the Holy Spirit it has bore us golden children of the Great Padre out of which will soon come a Messiah. Or Messiahs.

Blessed is the rest of the Padre farm system for it is bountiful and by its fruits ye shall know whether it is good or evil. Amen.
Blessed is Anderson Espinoza, our #1 pitching prospect. Some say he is struggling but he is playing against young men three years older than himself and one day he shall win the final game of the 2022 World Series. Hallelujah.

Blessed is Luis Perdomo, the brightest of lights in the 2016 season, a stranger in a strange land, a chosen one, whose sinker and drop off the table curveball shall leave the Friar Faithful smiling for years to come.

You have heard it said “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy”. But I say to you do not love the Dodgers or the Angels but pray for those who look down on you and scorn you so that you may be sons and daughters of the Great Padre in the Sky. The Great Padre causes the sun to shine on the stadiums on both the good and evil teams, and waters the fields of the just and unjust of both leagues. If you only love those who love you, are not even the designated hitters doing that as well? It is time for a Padre to throw a perfect game even as our heavenly Father is perfect.

And when you pray for a home run or a late inning rally, do not be like the hypocrites for they love to pray standing in front of the cameras and preening on the big screen to be seen by men. I tell you the truth: they have received their reward in full and most of the time it has been with last place finishes. When you pray, go into your living room, put the TV on mute and pray to the Great Padre who is the Uncreated Essence and is unseen. The Great Padre will see what you do in secret and reward you with an extra base hit or a punch out for the save. And when you pray do not babble like Jack Kerouac on speed in San Francisco for he was a Giant fan and believed he would be heard because of his many words. The Great Padre knows what you need even before you ask.
This then is how you pray:

Great Padre in the Sky
hallowed be your game
The World Series come
Thy will be done
In San Diego at is in Heaven
Give us today our daily win
Forgive us for our losses
Even as we forgive those who have beaten us
And lead us not into bad trades
But deliver us from the Evil Empire
For thine is the Kingdom of the Queendom
And the Power of the on base percentage
And the Glory of the Swinging Friar
At least for the 2020s
Amen

For if you forgive the rest of the nation for laughing at us, the Great Padre in the sky will not join in their laughing but will laugh with us instead. But if you do not forgive them for laughing at us, the Great Padre will laugh at us too and will shed crocodile tears and become a Marlins fan to boot. All will be lost and we will be cast into the bottomless pit. When you have a losing streak do not look somber as the Dodgers do for they disfigure their faces to show men they suffer. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full (think Jackie Robinson and Sandy Koufax). But when you have a losing streak, eat a fish taco and drink a Stone IPA so that it will not be obvious to the media you are somber and only the Great Padre in the Sky will know your secret and reward you with more fish tacos and draft beer.

Do not judge Padre history or so shall you be judged. It won’t be pretty. Ask for a World Series ring and it shall be given to you, seek a championship and you will find. Knock knock knock on heaven’s door and it shall be opened for you, for all Padre fans who believe and keep the faith shall receive.

Do onto others – run, throw, field, hit, hit with power – as you would have others do unto you, only do it a little better and with a touch of grace, style and class. You will set examples and be revered at the same time. This sums up the law and our future.

Enter through the narrow gate on Tony Gwynn Way for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to a high draft pick and low attendance. Small is the gate and narrow the road to the World Series of eternal life and only the chosen few of the Friar faithful shall find it. Watch out for false critics. They critique in the language of certainty but inwardly they suffer from limitless doubt. By their fruit you will recognize them, and they shall taste rotten.

Everyone who hears these words and puts them into practice is like a wise organization who built its reputation on solid rock. Fans came and went, managers and front offices changed, ownership questioned the very nature of the Holy Spirit, yet it did not fall because the foundation was on rock.

But everyone who hears these words and does not put them into practice is like a foolish organization who built its reputation on sand. Impatience, greed, shortsightedness, bad trades, poor drafts and a lack of discipline blew and beat the organization down with a great crash.
For those who have ears let them hear!!

Scott Olesen

I was at the Kirby/Gomez “no hitter” Curse game. I was at the Holy Roller game. Though I love the man and what he did for the Padres, I cried when they retired Steve Garvey’s number. By my estimation I witnessed in person, watched on tv or listened on the radio to over 3,000 of Tony’s 3,141 hits. Jerry Coleman’s initials aren’t J.C. for no reason.